food articles | Onion in Your Fridge

Onion in Your Fridge

Dear Humanoid Animal-Thing,

I am the onion in your fridge. Yeah, you ought ta remember me. On Monday, you picked me out personally, from a pile of other onions at the supermarket. You picked up and then rejected three of my friends, for bruises, dents and mushy bits; then you picked me up ... took a good, long look at me ... smiled and put me in your cart. Right there in your shopping cart, is where it started ...discrimination, prejudice, snobbery.

The slab of marbled cheddar cursed at me; it's voice muffled through the shrink-wrap. An avocado sniffed in contempt, then rolled away and hid behind a box of Shredded Wheat. I was instantly unpopular. But we onions know all along that we will be treated that way. My Mom warned me. But as long as we were together in our own safe place ... in the fields, in the harvest baskets, even in the bin at the supermarket ... we presented a united front.

Then you came along, you twerp. You singled me out and took me to your home, plunking me down into the egg-tray of your fridge. I no longer had the company of my own kind. But it still wasn't too bad. The eggs didn't seem to mind me living in their space, and the other foods were polite, most of them were, anyhow.

Then, you did it. You took me out of the fridge, cut a big honking slice off me (I watched you dice it for your spaghetti sauce) ... then stuck me back on the egg-tray with no cling wrap or anything!

Now, I'm NAKED!
Not to mention, COLD!

The rest of the foods all hate me because I smell, too. Now the cheese smells like me. The celery smells like me. My scent has saturated the skin on your pudding ... and the pudding hates *me* for it!

Pudding never FORGIVES! NEVER! Everyone knows that! Me and the potatoes simply have gone to war. They release chemicals that make me rot faster. Oh, yeah, well, I SHOWED them! I released chemicals that make THEM rot faster. HA! We're all in trouble here; we're all doomed, and it's all *your* fault. BUT I'LL GET MY REVENGE!

You've forgotten about me, I can tell. You should have put me in the vegetable crisper, but NO, you were too lazy to bend over, so you stuck me here on the fridge door, and thanks to the biological warfare of those stupid potatoes, I'm ROTTING here! I'm gonna turn into a soggy lump of ONION skin and STINKY juice .... I'll have my revenge against you, AND your snobby avocados! And YOU are the one who'll have to CLEAN UP THE MESS!

So THERE!

~The Onion