Onion in Your Fridge
Dear Humanoid Animal-Thing,
I am the onion in your fridge. Yeah, you ought ta remember me. On Monday, you
picked me out personally, from a pile of other onions at the supermarket. You
picked up and then rejected three of my friends, for bruises, dents and mushy
bits; then you picked me up ... took a good, long look at me ... smiled and put
me in your cart. Right there in your shopping cart, is where it started
...discrimination, prejudice, snobbery.
The slab of marbled cheddar cursed at me; it's voice muffled through the
shrink-wrap. An avocado sniffed in contempt, then rolled away and hid behind a
box of Shredded Wheat. I was instantly unpopular. But we onions know all along
that we will be treated that way. My Mom warned me. But as long as we were
together in our own safe place ... in the fields, in the harvest baskets, even
in the bin at the supermarket ... we presented a united front.
Then you came along, you twerp. You singled me out and took me to your home,
plunking me down into the egg-tray of your fridge. I no longer had the company
of my own kind. But it still wasn't too bad. The eggs didn't seem to mind me
living in their space, and the other foods were polite, most of them were,
Then, you did it. You took me out of the fridge, cut a big honking slice off me
(I watched you dice it for your spaghetti sauce) ... then stuck me back on the
egg-tray with no cling wrap or anything!
Now, I'm NAKED!
Not to mention, COLD!
The rest of the foods all hate me because I smell, too. Now the cheese smells
like me. The celery smells like me. My scent has saturated the skin on your
pudding ... and the pudding hates *me* for it!
Pudding never FORGIVES! NEVER! Everyone knows that! Me and the potatoes simply
have gone to war. They release chemicals that make me rot faster. Oh, yeah,
well, I SHOWED them! I released chemicals that make THEM rot faster. HA! We're
all in trouble here; we're all doomed, and it's all *your* fault. BUT I'LL GET
You've forgotten about me, I can tell. You should have put me in the vegetable
crisper, but NO, you were too lazy to bend over, so you stuck me here on the
fridge door, and thanks to the biological warfare of those stupid potatoes, I'm
ROTTING here! I'm gonna turn into a soggy lump of ONION skin and STINKY juice
.... I'll have my revenge against you, AND your snobby avocados! And YOU are the
one who'll have to CLEAN UP THE MESS!
Razzle Dazzle Recipes
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